December 6th, 2012
I had a bit of an “eeep” moment last week – as in “I don’t really know what to say to this”.
I haven’t been to church for over a year: I have been a bit “off” Church, though I couldn’t really put my finger on why. Partly, I couldn’t understand much of what was being said in the sermon, partly I’ve been a bit meh about the journey (okay, I know 30 minutes isn’t too horrible, but it takes a big chunk from the day), partly because I’ve been enjoying having Sunday mornings to myself. I’ve not been “off” God, exactly, as I’ve kept in vague contact with Him, but I’ve not been going to church, and I’ve not missed it.
I was a little disappointed that nobody from church, including the Pastor, had contacted me to see if things were okay. Not that I would have known what to say, particularly as neither I, nor Matthias (the pastor) are hot on the social chit-chat skills. I complained to Danièle about this, and was rather embarrassed to hear that Matthias had been having huge family problems, and here I was having a little whinge about not being contacted…Particularly when, in all honesty, I hadn’t really wanted to be contacted! (Yes, I know! Just call me Contrary!) So that was the situation…
Until last week, when, out of the blue, Matthias phoned me up, and (rather diffidently, it must be admitted!) asked if I would like a pastoral visit from him. Ooo-er and Eeeep. I didn’t know what to say! My French, what little there is, totally deserted me and I wittered away in Franglais for a while, before saying “Thanks but no thanks”. I struggle to explain to myself how I feel about Church/ God/ Faith so there’s no way I could explain in French to Matthias.
However, I think that in the new year I will start going to church again – partly because it is one way to improve my French, although I am aware that spiritual reasons possibly should come first! If I try to go once every two weeks, I won’t feel so “pressurised”…and I’ll see how it goes. Even if I don’t understand exactly what’s being said, I know that I do understand the Eucharistic section – I know what it’s about, I know the gist of the words, I know that that is where I meet with Christ at the very heart of What It Is About.
A new year. A new commitment. I suppose there’s no better resolution than that.